Broken Heart (1)

I was singing today. At church. It was supposed to be worship. I wasn't worshipping. I was just singing. I sang a phrase that I want to be true but a part of me doesn't want either. Because if my whole being wanted it I wouldn't continue in my apathy like I've always done. So I suppose my singing this phrase was part hypocrisy but also part hope. Hypocrisy in singing it but not wanting it fully. Hope in knowing I'm not living it but that if I give myself up to Him I could be a force to be reckoned with, by his power. From a song labeled 'Hosanna' comes this phrase:

Break my heart for what breaks yours / Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

I think, more often than not, that I am unaffected by what breaks His heart. That which causes my Savior to weep, causes me to yawn. Or even worse, to cheer. Sometimes I am unaffected but other times I revel in what hurts him most. I love my sin. I desire to fulfill my flesh. I applaud when those who have hurt me are in pain and suffering. I use my idea of justice as an excuse for why my heart fills with joy while His fills with cracks. I don't want to be this way. I want to be broken. I want to be weeping on my knees because of the tragedies and iniquities of the world. God is broken over his children, and as one of these children I too should be broken for my brothers and sisters. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I the only one who claims to love God but has internally divorced myself from his heart?

Everything I am is currently for my own kingdom's cause. Not His. I spend hours satisfying my flesh, its desires and wants. I spend minutes in the Word. I spend hours enjoying what God has graciously given me (a wife, a good job, the sunshine, my health, my friends). I spend seconds thanking God for his provision. My kingdom is based on a flawed and imperfect human being: Me (aka Jon Richard Becker Junior, but you can call me Jack). I strive endless to build and construct my kingdom but it's built on sand. His Kingdom is based on His holy, perfect, and loving nature. The Kingdom of God, YHWH, I AM, Father/Son/Holy Spirit, the Great Redeemer, etcetera and so forth. I ignore His Kingdom most days.

God I love you, I really do. I want to serve you and weep at what causes you to weep and be consumed with a passion for your Kingdom. But my actions say otherwise. Father, forgive me and my wickedness. I am crying out to you. That phrase. Make it true. In my life. I want to radiate those words.

Father, break my heart for what breaks yours /
Make everything I am to be for your Kingdom's cause /
Destroy the unaffected heart I currently house within my bones /
Wash away my kingdom, never again to be known.